i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
