I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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