SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
