I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
pop tarts are not kleenex
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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