I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
i out mim tonsoeep
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