Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
