I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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