I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
i think im in europe. pls send help
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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