i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
