i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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