i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
