I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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