I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
