Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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