I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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