I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
i think my cat just said my name.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
