I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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