also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
