U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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