Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
