Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
