the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
