I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
