I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
