Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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