The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
