I wish you could order shots online.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
