My friends, they love my intelligence
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
