he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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