i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
