I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Randomize
