I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
