i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
