made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
