guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
