He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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