When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
