I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
