My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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