I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
