All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
