i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
