since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
