I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
