Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
