my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
