It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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