from now on my penis is your penis
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Randomize
