I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
