I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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